Tuesday May 22, 2001
Ok, so the trip to the doctor went pretty much how I feared it would. The doctor was super nice and didn't make me feel stupid about it. She was very understanding about how I could be shocked to discover my appearance and she said if I was unhappy about the way I look now she could clip off the offending parts. Since there was nothing dangerous about them, I decided that it wouldn't be necessary to me. The doctor described me as being "flowery" and recommended that I look for a book called "Becoming Orgasmic" to see other variations of what kitties can look like. I joked about how I could see hundreds online too, but she was dead serious when she told me that that was a great idea. Internet porn, just what the doctor ordered.
I spent the afternoon over at June's house. I found out some interesting gossip about one of her old parents. A boy's mom pulled him out of her daycare because her boyfriend told her too and the family has since moved away. The reason that the boyfriend wanted the boy pulled so bad was because he asked June to sleep with him and she said no. She isn't sure if he was mad because she shot him down or afraid she'd tell his girlfriend, but whatever the case was, the boy didn't last after that.
The mom was a bitch though anyway. Elijah is a really friendly kid who doesn't seem to know an enemy. He went up to her and started jabbering in his language, showing her a toy he had. She looked at him straight in the face (with me sitting there 4 feet away) and told him that he'd better go away because she didn't like kids. She was completely serious when she said it. She didn't even try to laugh like she was kidding around. It pissed me off because it was so disrespectful to me. She obviously didn't give a shit if she upset me or not. I'd bet my far from considerable life savings, that if I had said something like that to her kid she would have been in my face as fast as the words left my mouth.
People like her, with her designer clothes and her overstyled hair and professionally maintained fingernails intimidate me a little. I mean from a purely financial point of view, at that point I was paying, in full, the cost of keeping my 3 year old in daycare. She was getting assistance from the state. So if anyone should have the edge in that situation, it should have been me. But dating back to high school, I've always had this ingrained fear of the "popular" kids. I've come a long way in terms of self esteem since then, but she set me back in my place. The fact that she felt as if I were so insignificant that my reaction didn't even warrent consideration when she was rude to my son made me feel as if I *were* insignificant. In situations like that (like back in high school) I roll over and expose my stomach in the true nature of the weak dog in the pack.
I hate that aspect of myself. I thought I'd outgrown it. I've dated guys that I never thought I'd be able to attain in my whole life and hung out with the very people that scared me so bad before-hell, I've been the girl that everyone wants to date (and I have to admit that I really like that part), but in one 30 second encounter I found out that I'm still the same person I ever was. I'm afraid of being found out as an imposter. I'm a million miles away from the girl I used to be. I had every right to explode at that lady and tell her exactly what the fuck I thought of her saying that to my child. I know that now and I knew it then. Maybe I would do it differently if I had it to do over, but then again maybe not. There's a very big part of me that feels like she's right. Despite all that, I can sit her now with a smirk on my face because regardless of those designer clothes, overstyled hair, and professionally maintained fingernails, her boyfriend wanted to fuck around with the babysitter.
Besides, I'm a flower.
