Monday May 14, 2001
Starting over is such a daunting task. I keep telling myself that at least I didn't lose months and months worth of work, but it doesn't hurt any less. I'd rather lose a year's worth of research than 3 weeks worth of journal because you can always research something again, the information will always be there. A journal is based entirely on my life and thoughts of the moment. I can't recapture that no matter how hard I try. You can't reinvent the past no matter how much you want to.
I remember that yesterday I was bitching about this slut in the park with her two lovers. Well, I don't know that and I can't prove it, but I had a really strong sense that she was married to or dating one and very likely fucking the other. She just looked like the kind of girl that trailer park feuds start over. She also pissed me off when she came crawling through the kiddie tunnel with her lit cigarette leading the way and Elijah came running at the tube without any hesitation. I was ready to beat the girl up because she was pissing me off before that by acting so fucking annoying. She crawled into this metal spiral that kids are supposed to use as a ladder ( I can't explain it any better than that) and then she started begging her boys to help her out. I swear to god she was acting more helpless than the 2 year old she came with. The part that proves that we live in an unfair world is the fact that one of the guys was totally hot. I have no idea if he was her actual partner or not, but if he's going to bother with her at all, then it's a total waste.
I probably lost my diary due to the bitterness of that one rant alone. Could it be coincidence that I lost everything on the same day that I tore into a person I've never met? Just somthing to think about. Karma is a bitch.
I've begun to use a html editor to do my updates and I must admit that it makes it so much easier. It has spell check and even more important, color coded tags that let me know when I've forgotten to close my tags. It's got a browser that let's me see my pages without adding false views to my stats counter. It makes writing in my journal as simple as if I were using a big name, like diaryland or diary-x. Now all I need to do is not erase my past entries and I'll be cool.
I was watching Lifetime again. Bad me, bad bad me. For those of you who didn't get to read my past entries, let me explain that the movies they show on that channel are horrible for me. I'm like a sponge that absorbs all these stories. After watching one I know I get all beady eyed and suspicious of everything my husband does. It's stupid I know, but there it is.
This one was actually pretty good. I don't mean that it turned out any better than any of the others, but it was more entertaining than most. It was about this girl who just couldn't stay away from this cop and eventually he kills her. It's kinda hard to explain because she's narrating (like in american beauty) so you think that she must be ok, but then about halfway through you see her get shot, but you don't see who does it. Then they try to make you think it might have been someone else.
It made me sad though because she had a little boy from that cop. The girl was pretty clueless about life in general and especially what an asshole the guy was, but she loved her son. It made me think about what it would do to me to leave my boys. If I was dead I probably wouldn't know any better, but still. These are the thoughts that keep me up all night posting to my diary rather than sleeping.
