Sunday May 20, 2001
Ok the neopets addiction has run it's course and I'm completely bored with it. There may be moments of frenzy from time to time, but I'd say that those moments aren't going to be nearly as intense as the past week has been. I'm turning my attention to the project that Kelly and I discussed forever ago.
It seems as though production stopped as much due to a lack of design as to a lack of content for the site. There's not much I can do about the content at this moment, but I'm sure I can come up with at least an idea as far as design goes. We can always change the layout later on if we don't like it, but we need to get something out there. I found a neat site that allows you to find a palette of coordinating colors to go with whichever one you pick so that will help a little. Now all that's left is to browse until I find a nice background and maybe find some inspiration along the line.
The pool is finally open. I've been waiting for months and now that it is, I have absolutely no desire to go. I think I'll go during the week, but for now I just don't want to deal with the people. I think that it's going to be hard to take two babies to the pool and the less people that are there to distract me from the task of keeping them from drowning, the better. Besides all that I have to find a swimsuit. I know I have at least 3 somewhere around here. They are all at least 2 years old, but they'll serve. I just can't justify buying a brand new \\$60+ suit just for the half dozen trips to the pool that I'll actually make in reality. If I went out and bought a new one it would look like the others anyway; one piece, backless, very modest. I've been buying the same type since I started buying. I bought a teeny bikini once though, way back when I was 16, but 2 kids and some stretch marks later I wouldn't wear it in public for money.
I see the doctor in 2 days. I'm still really nervous about it. I've needed to go for awhile anyway, but it doesn't calm me any to know it. I'm not generally afraid to go to the doctor, but in the past whenever I've gone to the doctor's office it was because of conditions I knew existed. Pregnancy checkups, a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital for a week, the birth of my sons. The only time I went in because of suspicions was during my last pregnancy when I didn't know if my water had broken or not. In that case I was wrong and I felt like an idiot for going in. I know it's irrational, but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better.
I watched the movie "Selena" yesterday. Even though I knew that the lady died in the end, I was still so sad. It's just so tragic to see someone die so young. She was only 23 when she died. She did accomplish a lot during her life though. She got to be famous and all that, but on the other hand, if she hadn't been famous she probably would have had a long life. She definately wouldn't have been shot by a fan at any rate. The story touched me enough to cause me to do a little research on her. I couldn't really get a sense of her as a person though. She was defined by her career every place I looked. I believe that there must be more to her than that, but it's like once you become famous no one really cares who you really are. You become the role you play on tv or in the movies or the song you sing. Maybe that's why so many people become corrupted. They start to believe all the hype.
Maybe fame isn't something that I should strive for so much. I want it so much though. I want people to know my name and talk about me. I've got such an ego. I think everyone has at least one great thing inside them, but I still don't know what mine is. I've always thought I was supposed to be a writer. It's what I've wanted to do since I was in the 6th grade. I still have stories I wrote about talking cats named Alex and Andy (both girls) who get into all kinds of trouble. I've always thought writing was maybe the best thing a person could ever do because you can give someone a whole other world, if only for a short time. Now I'm not so sure. The days when I used to carry a spiral notebook from class to class and write when I was supposed to be doing homework are long behind me. I don't have the time or the drive to write like that anymore. In fact, the main reason I wanted to collaborate with Kelly was so that I had a reason to write. Like it was mandatory so therefore I couldn't let it get pushed aside. Maybe that can still happen, but not if I sit here typing in my diary all day.
