Friday June 1, 2001
I got pretty pissed off with yesterday's entry rewrites so there's a lot I didn't say that I wanted to. It's only 10 in the morning and I already feel as though I could write a whole page full of stuff.
After the accident Elijah had yesterday, it was nice to see him wake up dry again. He's been making it through the night with no accidents for almost 2 weeks now. I started feeling pretty cocky about it and then he showed me. I'd rather him pee in bed than mess in his pants any day. I'll be so glad when both the boys are potty trained and this is just something I can look back at and laugh about.
It's the first day of a new month and that means that it's time to put the entries in a new folder. This isn't something that matters to anyone else, but to me, it's a huge deal. If I forget the new folder then it'll make all my entries inaccessable and blah blah blah. I'm turning into such a dork. I used to date guys who were into computers and I'd get a distant look in my eyes when they started talking about the size of their RAM, but now I'm starting to care a little and it's scaring me. If I could have enjoyed the computer this much back when I was married to Tim, it's possible that we could have stayed married. We'd at least have a common intrest. It would be nice to have someone to fix my computer when it breaks at least.
Kelly and I were talking about ex boyfriends the other day. Well, basically I was talking about when I used to date Roger. He's the only boyfriend I ever had that I didn't stay friends with after we broke up. It just hurt too much and I was 17. There wasn't a whole lot of maturity involved for me. I loved him though. I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did. I made a lot of mistakes that I could have avoided if I'd just fucking thought about what the hell I was doing. I used to have this whole motto of no regrets, but lately I have a bunch. It's a good thing that my marriage with Mikey got so much better or else I'd really be feeling sorry for myself right now.
I think that everybody thinks back fondly on their old relationships and wonder where they might have ended up if they'd done things differently. You find yourself forgetting the faults that the other person had and the problems that existed in the relationship. And thinking of the relationship you had back in high school isn't fair because there's a huge difference between dating someone when your biggest concern is what to wear to prom and dating someone who you might consider marrying someday. You add kids and marriage to a relationship and of course it isn't going to seem as appealing as the time you spent with your first boyfriend. I know that, but I still wonder.
My marriage to Tim doesn't seem very rosy. I haven't heard from him in forever. I don't understand how he can go for weeks and months without trying to get hold of Elijah or at least find out how he's doing. Elijah is doing cool things every day and is just as smart and beautiful as a dad could hope for, but somehow he doesn't rank high enough on Tim's to do list that he warrents a phone call or even a card in the mail. It frustrates me to no end. Tim doesn't pay child support for him, but our agreement was that he'd send stuff via the mail to Elijah. Toys and fun stuff or money to reimburse me for shoes and clothes, stuff like that. I knew it wasn't going to happen, but I still get pissed off.
You know how a man is going to treat you by the way he treats his ex wives and girlfriends, you know how he'll treat your kids by the way he treats his other kids. I wasn't taken by surprise by any of this. I don't know why I keep hoping he'll change. I bet he does when he's old and all alone. That's when everyone wants to make up for everything they screwed up in their lives. I just hope that Elijah is a bigger person than I am because I'd just tell him to go fuck himself.
